Push

I need lots of it. Now.

I have been always on the other side of the red curtain. I always beg off whenever an opportunity comes knocking on my door ‘cos I think I am not able and ughh ready.

Back in highschool, I was supposed to join the G. and Bb. Agham, a school-wide pageant, but I didn’t; I even cried in front of our then class adviser while saying I can’t. Too much pressure, and yeah, stage fright. I also did not enroll in the state’s laboratory high school that only accepts 200 students each year (I’m one of the few lucky ones) ‘cos I’m too coward to undergo blood testing for the reason that I got hurt the first time it was done to me. Same goes when I was deliberated as the Ms. Parolan and Ms. PalaCASan representative for my beloved org, UP Cells. I said no. Lack of confidence, maybe. I remember telling the org body, “Hindi ko nakikita ang sarili ko sa ganoong posisyon. Mas gusto kong ako yung tagapalakpak, hindi yung pinapalakpakan”.

But now, I’ve realized that there’ll come a point in my life that I need to stand up, way above everyone else if I want a better me and a better life. I must be confident of my abilities, if there are any. I must not put them straight to the trash bin. I am blessed, therefore I must use it wisely. Yes, I’m already there. All I need is a giant push, really. Once I am pushed enough, I think it’ll all follow. Now the problem is the push; where, when, and how can I get that or by whom.

Waiting.