MIND-FART#21: 元気？

Friday, 11th January

18:16

A couple of days down the new year... 

How are you?

My year started pretty okay. It's just that I feel like I'm in a rut. I mean, I planned things I should/need/want to do but here I am, messing with these words... and you.

How are you?

I started work again after two weeks of winter break and I'm slowly getting back to who I was/ I think I am as a teacher. Those +fourteen days of not teaching gave me a little scareー day one back in school felt like I don't know how to teach anymore. Wait, have I known how to, in the first place?

How are you?

My planner's goal page is still blank. How does that sound? Very bad to me. I'm not usually like this.

How are you?

I don't know why I'm sitting here, looking at people passing by, trying to read a new book I randomly purchased online, being forced to hear some unknown mellow music from the cafe's speakers, sipping the latte the barista whipped up for me. I don't know why I stopped here. I'm supposed to be somewhere else.

Perhaps, I'm supposed to be here?

Also, I'm starting to like this cafe's playlist. I still don't know the songs.

xx,

Alyssa

MIND-FART#18: Mid-week Irony

Coming to Japan, I'd say I ~gradually~ became more courageous in terms of letting my feelings out. I'm not talking about my daily rants on Twitter but you know, the real deal. Maybe the lack of Japanese speaking abilities from my side was and still is the reason for it; I tend to express what I feel right then and there because they can't understand me- my facial expressions well maybe yeah, but the curses I'm sending their way, not really. 

How ironic, taking comfort from the fact that they won't be able to nor try to understand me when all I ever wanted was to be understood. 

Well, maybe I really don't.

Happy mid-week! Hope you're hangin' in there just fine!♡

MIND FART #15: A Strawberry Shortcake Realization

I don't really eat cakes unless it's my or someone's birthday... or if I go to a cafe and the only options I have to ease my grumbling tummy are cakes and the like. Last Monday, I've had strawberry shortcake for breakfast, sakura cheesecake for afternoon snack, and strawberry shortcake with pistachio cream filling for dessert after dinner. Am I turning into a cake monster? Ha.

But I didn't just write this entry to let you guys know what cakes I ate some days prior to this post or what my recent favorite cake is which obviously is strawberry shortcake haha. It's just that while I was gloriously enjoying every bite of my third cake (of the day) while contemplating on random things happening in my life lately, there was a sudden snap and a thought came to me:

Destruction is beautiful.

Destruction is beautiful, too. How odd it was to think that way while eating strawberry shortcake? A little odd? Very odd? 

As for someone like me who likes taking photos of almost every thing intact and perfect before I literally put my hands on it (or maybe "terrorize" is a more apt term), food, trinkets, and whatnot, I was caught off-guard. Maybe it was the sugar rush from the cakes I ate or something, but it was a relatively new idea for my system that I am willing to accept.

It was this point that abovementioned realization came to me. Good thing I took a photo of the cake before I "terrorize" it haha

Do you see what I mean now?

No? Oh well, even if you don't, please do yourself a favour and bear in mind that destruction isn't always synonymous to ugly or something lesser than beautiful. It can also mean beautiful... like the strawberry shortcake... like the almost-empty plate above. 

So, no matter how broken or devastated you feel right now, it doesn't and it won't make you less beautiful. You are "beautiful in your own broken way", as the cliche saying goes. 

And you know what? There's more. If ever you decide to be whole again, if ever you want to be whole again, you can, too. Do so, be so, by all means ー just like the kintsukuroi /きんつくろい pieces that were once broken but are still or better yet more beautiful when reconstructed, regardless of the presence of the marks they previously had.

Remember, you are and you will still be beautiful, with or without battle scars, darling. ♡

MIND FART #14: Cheese Cares

✧✧✧

Why do I even care, geez

I just need some cheese

I don't really wanna, please

But hey, it's alright

Someday you'll sleep so tight

No more tears at night

✧✧✧

Just thought about this while I was browsing my Twitter feed earlier today. Originally posted it there but deleted it after a few minutes, just because. 

Oh, the thoughts that snow and silence can bring.

I hope that your hearts are always warm. I sincerely do.

MIND FART #13

One day you're fine, and then you're not.

Sometimes you can't help but just look at everything blankly and sigh.

If only I could frame or laminate moments of utter joy and bliss just to make it last longer, I would. 

[I took this photo during my visit to Sony Showroom in Ginza.]

Love and happiness to you,

The Pseudo-amnesiac

MIND-FART #10

I was in close contact with my feelings. Well, I thought I was, at the very least. Was.

I lost them.

Odd Thought Bubble

Friday

Woke up minutes before twelve, had brunch in bed and started reading Why We Broke Up from where I left reading it. Today’s a holiday so I spent the whole afternoon reading and at times rolling over and over my bed. And I’m quite surprised rolling like an idiot helps clear my head, or maybe not whatever, I still believe it helped reorganize the eccentric jumble of words in my thought bubble, as if you could all see it, ha!

So back to the illustrated novel, I was a bit hesitant to read it cos we broke up an awful long time ago. But yeah, I still read it. You were my last boyfriend as of the moment so sorry if you’ll feel or rather assume what I’m babbling now here in my blog is all about you. It is, I think? And besides, Min Green had this box full of Ed stuff and I have one, too, sort of. The thing is that not only stuff from you was dumped there, you know.

I’m just wondering, what if I gave you a box full of the things we had through the years we were together? Maybe a balikbayan box would do, eh? Would you accept it? Would you keep it? Burn it? Or recycle some and give it to your next girlfriend? Oh I think I know the answer. But wait I wanna hear it straight from you.

Did you really love me? Pathetic as it may sound but I wanna know. Not the answer that you thought I wanted to hear. But the real answer. Man up, you beautiful bastard. And if given the chance would you let some Anette break our relationship? I just wanna know. Would you keep on saying no offense but still say offensive things? Would you give me a piece of paper with "I can't stop thinking about you." on it but also give Anette a bouquet of flowers with the same line written in the card? You really are a bastard you beautiful bastard. Would you have second thoughts about Al and say, "If he's not gay and he hung out with you the whole time, he wanted to be. It's boyfriend or want to be boyfriend or I guess gay. Those are the choices."?

I know you're busy so I'll stop right here but take time to YouTube Hawk Davies' Feelings. Bye forever, beautiful bastard. You either have the feeling or you don't.