Gel to the O

I saw you. You’re just a little to three meters from where I was. But I looked away just in time for you not to see me looking. My reflexes moved; I walked away, with a racing heart. You looked back. My peripheral vision told me so.

Why, of all people, was it you whom I saw? Why did you look back?

Summer’s like months ago, but seeing you again? What ifs clouded my mind for who knows how many times. So long sweet summer.

So Long Sweet Summer by Dashboard Confessional

Second Thoughts on Happiness

The happenings around me hit me into pieces making happiness a foreign thing to my system. It's as if even my body's phagocytes are coming out of my physical body with a signboard on, reading "RAWRR, BACK OFF!", ready to engulf the happiness that's supposed to be coming my way.

These days, happiness is something I learned to doubt about.

At a little charms store in Chinatown.

Between secrets and lies is a fine line

There are times when I just want the world to know nothing about me. And today is of no exception. It’s disappointing that while I’m busy being the genuine me to the ones around, they’re busy hiding from me. Why hide when you have nothing to be ashamed of? Why hide if you have done nothing wrong?

Hidden FB albums, hidden posts, what more? Secret smiles, secret winks, secret meeting places? Hoho. My imagination maybe sometimes weird but most of the time, it ends up that way. Believe me, I wish it wouldn't.

Sayang kasi yung pagiging totoo mo kung ang nakikinabang ay yung mga hindi sanay magpaka-totoo. Siguro alam mo sa sarili mo na may mali pero kahit alam mo na, sumige ka pa rin. Kahit sa sarili mo nahihiya ka kaya pinili mo na lang itago.

Mas gusto ko na sinasampal sa harap ko ang katotohanan kesa pinipilit itago pero sa huli, malalaman ko rin naman.

Walang sikretong hindi nabubunyag.

Another side

Kanina, sinabi ni Sir-nakalimutan-ko-ang-pangalan (isang forester), 2% na lang daw ang forests dito sa Pilipinas. Wala na daw forests dito na “virgin”, meaning, unexplored at hindi pa natatapakan ng kahit sino. Sinabi din niya na nung 1989 daw nung pumasok siya sa UPLB ay walang mga puno sa Freedom Park at sa may paakyat ng Forestry. Ang “buntis” trees malapit sa may Never-ending Bridge ay noong 1993 lang itinanim. Mabilis lang naman daw ang regeneration rate. So sabi naman ni Dr. Cardenas (prof namin sa Economic Botany) yung 2% na forest cover sa bansa ay kaya pang palakihin. Kaya naman daw palang mabawi kung tataniman.

Umiling si Sir-nakalimutan-ko-ang-pangalan at sabay sabing nagtrabaho siya dati sa ****, at doon, ang ginagawa nilang reforestation ay sa pamamagitan ng tulong ng community malapit sa target area. For 5 years, yung community na yun ang kinontrata na mag-aalaga sa area: magtatanim at kung anu-anu pa. Pero dahil nga pag naging successful na yung regeneration sa area na yun at kailangan nang i-turn over sa gobyerno, mawawalan ang mga tao sa community na yun ng trabaho, kaya bilang solusyon, sinusunog ulit nila yung area na inalagaan nila. Back to scratch.

Nakakalungkot lang isipin na ganon. Oo, naiintindihan kong salat tayo sa yaman kung pera at pera lang din ang usapan, salat tayo sa matitino at high-paying na trabaho. Pero bakit hanggang sa extent na yun? Wala akong masumbat dahil ako sa sarili ko, ay hindi naman isang self-confessed nature advocate. Pero nalulungkot ako na ganyan yung mentalidad. Sa halip na ilang porsyento na ng Philippine forests ang na-regain natin, na-hi-hinder pa ang full recovery dahil sa mga ganoong aksyon, na sorry pero para sa akin ay medyo makasarili.

Kung gusto natin ng maayos na mundo, unahin nating ayusin ang tingin natin sa mundo. Wala tayong mararating lahat kung patuloy na maghihilahan pababa.

First glance at Angat Dam. Oh, the blue waters.

The floating house where we had lunch.

A fish ornament adorning the floating house

My room mates during the whole Bio159 trip
L-R: Leine, Nalie, yours truly, Yna, Abbie and Hannah

My Bio 159 case study groupmates, our backs on the Angat Dam
L-R: Kaye, Abbie, yours truly and Josiah

Humiling

Iyan na lang yung kaya ko na libre. Pero ganon pa man, ayaw ko nang humiling ng kahit ano, gaano ko man ka-gusto ang bagay na yun. Maghihintay na lang ako sa mga mangyayari. Oo, tamad na kung tamad. At least, hindi ko mararamdaman yung sakit ng pag-tanggi at pag-akusa na napakarami kong gustong mangyari. Nakakapagod humiling. Parang isinigaw ko na, kaso lang, bago ko matapos, nagtakip ka na ng tenga.

Breakfast

I miss you during the early hours of the morning; the cold breeze coming through the broken window pane reminds me of your breath— sweet with a tinge of mint. Seventy-seven hours have already gone by, yet no sign of you. Only the morning, only the breeze, only you seared deep in my memory.

For A Change

Heading home to London Terrace, I happened to pass by a boy in uniforms crying out loud that he doesn’t wanna go to school. I was like that boy, too, when I was a kid. I would rather spend time with my bike and roller blades all day long, only with my toys in mind.

But changes do happen. I like going to school a lot these days. Well, not only for the allowance and friends, but also because school is a major distraction. School requirements could be so occupying as hell that I don’t get to think of the conflicts life feeds me. I sit down and write notes while the lecture is ongoing, giving a notion that I’m so occupied with the particular lesson that I get to fool even myself that I really am. It helps. And for the meantime, I’ll be continuing everyday with that, until I find the right thing to do.

Oh, life. I love you, but why do you have to be so rude?

Mama

I miss her during times like these when everything seems out of line. I’m sometimes tired of having people say “do this” and “do that”. I’m tired of having to wish for something and think of what I’ll do with it if ever it came within my reach and then seeing myself lurk down with disappointment. I’m tired of the routine I’m in. I’m tired of stress, tears, and in betweens. I’m not unhappy, okay. In fact, I am happy. But there are times when I just feel tired, physically, mentally, and everything, that I just wanna head home to mum’s lap and rest there; with her continuously combing my hair with her fingers and telling me that everything’s gonna be just fine and that I’ll do great in every step of the way.

Yes, life always makes more

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn’t let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can’t outrun it and life always makes more. — Grey’s Anatomy