It was pouring outside. Good thing I brought my trusty umbrella, that of the same hue as my backpack. So here I am sitting near the bus window (a usual thing since the day I knew how to travel alone) with a venti cup of cappuccino he and I picked up at a coffee shop before accompanying me to the bus stop, in between my cold hands. It was after boarding the bus and seeing him turn his back from me and go that it sank to me that it really was over. We are over. Or no. I’ve finally decided after countless debates between myself and this talkative thing in my head; that from now on every thing him-related is automatically a no-no, I must say. My mantra: you always have a choice— in its true form, yes. I quickly sent my friend an SMS to tell her that she won; she’s in a way right that maybe his invitation to the party might count for closure and yes, more closure for the two of us. I was hesitant to go at first but I finally gave in for the fact that maybe, just maybe my friend’s right. Or that maybe I was expecting something nice or or, ughh, I don’t know. False hope, way bad. The bottom-line is, I did go to the party, for whatever reasons I have that which I cannot put into words.
So back to me sitting by the bus window. Flashbacks of his actions made me think that he just invited me to the now-it-seems-to-me-effing party was mainly because he wanted to drop bombs, destroying the thin and near to none connection between us. Most of the time, those bombs (which I’d rather not mention what) are dropped by him in a way that it would explode right at my face. Too showy with an air of fabrication, which led me to think that he consciously did it just to see my reaction. Too bad for him, I did screen my thoughts and shut my mouth well this time, fighting the urge to interrogate and at the least, blurt out what’s on my mind. Having to ace hide and seek games during my childhood pays off sometimes, eh? I would have said what a conceited liar he is. But maybe his doings are signs that I have to go and leave everything regarding him behind.
It’s cold and hell yeah, I feel like my body’s flat on ice. It was a pain in the ass that lingered for a while, but hey, I couldn’t be more thankful. I just had the answer to one of the most mind-boggling questions in my life.
Promptissime finitur ut coepi. It ends as quick as it started.
“This world is all attachment. Yet you get worried because we are attached.” — Neem Karoli Baba
I’m freaking unhappy because we’re attached in some kinda way. I can’t stop wishing for you to, you know, disappear forever. You’re making the world a little less lovable in my perspective. Your doings are the root of my anger, just so you know.
Yes, I’ll smile. Not because I still see you as someone worth smiling for but to make you see that after all the things that I’ve been through, which some or should I say most of the time were because of you, I am now okay. Bite the dust, baby.
People are people and sometimes it doesn’t work out. I’m tired of being the person that I am: accommodating to the point of always accepting and always giving in when I am perfectly aware that I must not be. I’m tired of having to feel aches which gets deeper and deeper every time that instance repeats itself or something near that. Am I just being kind or am I being stupid already?
My head’s banging every time you do that. My eyes are tired of losing a considerable amount of fluid that I just want to close them and sleep away everything, hoping that when I wake up, everything’s okay and in place.
I saw you. You’re just a little to three meters from where I was. But I looked away just in time for you not to see me looking. My reflexes moved; I walked away, with a racing heart. You looked back. My peripheral vision told me so.
Why, of all people, was it you whom I saw? Why did you look back?
Summer’s like months ago, but seeing you again? What ifs clouded my mind for who knows how many times. So long sweet summer.
The happenings around me hit me into pieces making happiness a foreign thing to my system. It's as if even my body's phagocytes are coming out of my physical body with a signboard on, reading "RAWRR, BACK OFF!", ready to engulf the happiness that's supposed to be coming my way.
These days, happiness is something I learned to doubt about.
There are times when I just want the world to know nothing about me. And today is of no exception. It’s disappointing that while I’m busy being the genuine me to the ones around, they’re busy hiding from me. Why hide when you have nothing to be ashamed of? Why hide if you have done nothing wrong?
Hidden FB albums, hidden posts, what more? Secret smiles, secret winks, secret meeting places? Hoho. My imagination maybe sometimes weird but most of the time, it ends up that way. Believe me, I wish it wouldn't.
Sayang kasi yung pagiging totoo mo kung ang nakikinabang ay yung mga hindi sanay magpaka-totoo. Siguro alam mo sa sarili mo na may mali pero kahit alam mo na, sumige ka pa rin. Kahit sa sarili mo nahihiya ka kaya pinili mo na lang itago.
Mas gusto ko na sinasampal sa harap ko ang katotohanan kesa pinipilit itago pero sa huli, malalaman ko rin naman.
Kanina, sinabi ni Sir-nakalimutan-ko-ang-pangalan (isang forester), 2% na lang daw ang forests dito sa Pilipinas. Wala na daw forests dito na “virgin”, meaning, unexplored at hindi pa natatapakan ng kahit sino. Sinabi din niya na nung 1989 daw nung pumasok siya sa UPLB ay walang mga puno sa Freedom Park at sa may paakyat ng Forestry. Ang “buntis” trees malapit sa may Never-ending Bridge ay noong 1993 lang itinanim. Mabilis lang naman daw ang regeneration rate. So sabi naman ni Dr. Cardenas (prof namin sa Economic Botany) yung 2% na forest cover sa bansa ay kaya pang palakihin. Kaya naman daw palang mabawi kung tataniman.
Umiling si Sir-nakalimutan-ko-ang-pangalan at sabay sabing nagtrabaho siya dati sa ****, at doon, ang ginagawa nilang reforestation ay sa pamamagitan ng tulong ng community malapit sa target area. For 5 years, yung community na yun ang kinontrata na mag-aalaga sa area: magtatanim at kung anu-anu pa. Pero dahil nga pag naging successful na yung regeneration sa area na yun at kailangan nang i-turn over sa gobyerno, mawawalan ang mga tao sa community na yun ng trabaho, kaya bilang solusyon, sinusunog ulit nila yung area na inalagaan nila. Back to scratch.
Nakakalungkot lang isipin na ganon. Oo, naiintindihan kong salat tayo sa yaman kung pera at pera lang din ang usapan, salat tayo sa matitino at high-paying na trabaho. Pero bakit hanggang sa extent na yun? Wala akong masumbat dahil ako sa sarili ko, ay hindi naman isang self-confessed nature advocate. Pero nalulungkot ako na ganyan yung mentalidad. Sa halip na ilang porsyento na ng Philippine forests ang na-regain natin, na-hi-hinder pa ang full recovery dahil sa mga ganoong aksyon, na sorry pero para sa akin ay medyo makasarili.
Kung gusto natin ng maayos na mundo, unahin nating ayusin ang tingin natin sa mundo. Wala tayong mararating lahat kung patuloy na maghihilahan pababa.
First glance at Angat Dam. Oh, the blue waters.
The floating house where we had lunch.
A fish ornament adorning the floating house
My room mates during the whole Bio159 trip L-R: Leine, Nalie, yours truly, Yna, Abbie and Hannah
My Bio 159 case study groupmates, our backs on the Angat Dam L-R: Kaye, Abbie, yours truly and Josiah
Iyan na lang yung kaya ko na libre. Pero ganon pa man, ayaw ko nang humiling ng kahit ano, gaano ko man ka-gusto ang bagay na yun. Maghihintay na lang ako sa mga mangyayari. Oo, tamad na kung tamad. At least, hindi ko mararamdaman yung sakit ng pag-tanggi at pag-akusa na napakarami kong gustong mangyari. Nakakapagod humiling. Parang isinigaw ko na, kaso lang, bago ko matapos, nagtakip ka na ng tenga.
I miss you during the early hours of the morning; the cold breeze coming through the broken window pane reminds me of your breath— sweet with a tinge of mint. Seventy-seven hours have already gone by, yet no sign of you. Only the morning, only the breeze, only you seared deep in my memory.
Heading home to London Terrace, I happened to pass by a boy in uniforms crying out loud that he doesn’t wanna go to school. I was like that boy, too, when I was a kid. I would rather spend time with my bike and roller blades all day long, only with my toys in mind.
But changes do happen. I like going to school a lot these days. Well, not only for the allowance and friends, but also because school is a major distraction. School requirements could be so occupying as hell that I don’t get to think of the conflicts life feeds me. I sit down and write notes while the lecture is ongoing, giving a notion that I’m so occupied with the particular lesson that I get to fool even myself that I really am. It helps. And for the meantime, I’ll be continuing everyday with that, until I find the right thing to do.
Oh, life. I love you, but why do you have to be so rude?
I miss her during times like these when everything seems out of line. I’m sometimes tired of having people say “do this” and “do that”. I’m tired of having to wish for something and think of what I’ll do with it if ever it came within my reach and then seeing myself lurk down with disappointment. I’m tired of the routine I’m in. I’m tired of stress, tears, and in betweens. I’m not unhappy, okay. In fact, I am happy. But there are times when I just feel tired, physically, mentally, and everything, that I just wanna head home to mum’s lap and rest there; with her continuously combing my hair with her fingers and telling me that everything’s gonna be just fine and that I’ll do great in every step of the way.
Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn’t let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can’t outrun it and life always makes more. — Grey’s Anatomy
I may be silent but I haven’t, for a second, stopped thinking why you’re acting like a total w**** when we’ve agreed on making the past, past. Yes, it’s true that to be happy, you must kick your ass to find your own happiness; that if it’s just around the corner, you must go and grab it. But it ISN’T always the case. THAT ISN’T ALWAYS THE CASE. How if that happiness is in its perfect place already? Let’s just say happiness is a vanilla ice cream with marshmallows and fudge and it’s on the hand of a little girl wearing a silk dress. You’re standing in an area that you can easily grab what she’s holding at the moment. Will you still grab it blindly just for your sake? I say, you MUST NOT. Or else I’ll think of you waving a red flag.
I’m so over being kind to you. I’m sick of it. You’re making my capillaries burst.
Sina Eba at Adan ba ay naging magkasintahan muna at nakaranas din ng cool off at break-up? Naisip ko lang. Natawa ko na naisip ko yun. Walang kwenta talaga mga pinag-iisip ko nitong mga nagdaang huling araw ng semestre. Marahil, pagod lang yung utak ko na magisip ng malalalim at may kabuluhan dahil yun na yung isnasaksak ko sa sarili ko sa loob ng buong sem (na araw-araw ko namang isinusuka). Pero hindi nga, na-curious din ako. Palibhasa, hindi ako mapagbasa ng Bible (sorry po Papa God), kaya kung may hint man dun tungkol sa tanong ko ay hindi ko alam. Kayo ba, alam niyo? Hmm. Echos lang yung nasa taas. Pero totoong naisip ko yun. Ang gusto ko lang naman talaga isulat sa entry na ito ay yung mga hinanakit ko. Gusto ko lang ilabas. Pero parang hanggang ngayon, habang tnatype ko sa laptop to, in denial pa rin ako. Tae. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ba talaga yung nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang masakit, ano ang hindi, ano ang masaya. Parang pare-pareho na lang sila ng dating sa akin. Masakit. Ang sakit sakit na. Yun madalas kong ibulong sa sarili ko. Pero hindi ko alam kung yun ba talaga nararamdaman ko ng kusa o kailangan ko pa talagang sabihin sa sarili ko na masakit para umakting iyon na nasasaktan. Ngayon, parang magkakahiwalay yung isip, damdamin at kaluluwa ko. Hindi ko maexplain. Galit galit muna ata silang tatlo ngayon. Hindi synchronized. Ikaw isip, ikaw damdamin, ikaw kaluluwa. Magbati bati na kayo, please? Kasi hindi ko alam yung dapat kong maramdaman. Makipagcooperate naman kayo sa akin. Para naman kayong others niyan eh. Isang patak ng luha.
